My Return and First Time Out… again

I’ve been trying to collect my thoughts the last few days.  They have been a jumble of emotions, mostly good.  I haven’t felt this way in a long time and figuring out what I am feeling has almost been too difficult to process.  It’s been a bit like being in snowstorm without knowing which way I am going, but knowing I’m close to home, but can’t quite find my way there.

It’s been quite the homecoming for me the last week.  I decided to return to this world after a long hiatus down a dark path.  I had started feeling better about myself in the few weeks leading up to this and held off my return to see if the happiness would last.  A few weeks down the road and I was still feeling good about myself and I guess it just felt like the right time.

My biggest fear once I had decided to come back was what kind of reception I would receive.  I felt very bad about the way I had left everyone hanging and wasn’t sure if there would be any resentment to my return.  Despite this trepidation, I decided I would give it a shot and figured, “What’s the worst that can happen?  They reject me.”  LOL!  I’ve been dealing with rejection my entire life.  Plus, I’d be right back in the sinking ship that I started in, so no big deal.

And so I plotted my return…

I plot everything like a spy novel.  With beady eyes.  And I tap my fingertips together as I develop my highly intricate plans.  I guess it’s more like a cartoon than a spy novel, but you get the picture.

First step was posting my blog.

To my great surprise I received an out welling of support from my previous friends who read it.  This filled me with warmth and tears as I read their messages.

Next was responding to them.  It was so great to reconnect with everyone and it made me feel so loved that they accepted me back and wanted to reconnect with me.  Their heartfelt concerns about me being gone and the happiness that I had returned meant the world to me.  It half made me smile and cry at the same time.

And then we planned on finding time to get together.  It was coming together so well.  I couldn’t have asked for anything more.  The trans community is the greatest and most loving community on Earth, there are no better people around.

The first meeting would be Friday with Amy, her daughter, Brooke, and Melissa.  It would be the first time Alexis has gone out in almost two years.  I was nervous.  I wasn’t even sure I was going to go through with it.  I was scared.

Wait, wait, this is too stressful.  I need a dry run before I go out with them.

So I decided that I would take the day off and do a dry run by going shopping.  This is potentially the scariest scenario for me and if I could do this on my own, then I could go out with my friends no problem.

So I went shopping.  It was a warm southern California day and it was a perfect setting for my shopping experience.

As I got to the mall, all of the first time out emotions came back to me:

Fear… Just leave, nobody will know

Scared… What if people laugh at me

Shame… People are going to stare

Nervous… I can’t do this

But despite this wild cocktail of negative emotions, there was one thing that pushed me to getting out of that car and going shopping.

Love… I love myself and there is nothing wrong with what I am doing

And so I went and had fun shopping.  I still worried about what people were thinking, but I tried to act and feel confident in what I was doing and nothing negative happened the entire time.  All the sales people were extremely nice and I managed to buy some jeans and skirt.  It felt great and AMAZING.

I got home from my shopping trip and collapsed on the couch from sheer exhaustion.  I hadn’t walked far, but the stress from the emotional rollercoaster I had been on for the last few hours shopping had taken a toll on me.

I took off my makeup and took a little nap before I had to start getting ready to meet the girls later that night.

Psycho-Analysis

Well hello everyone.  My name is Dr. Francine von Dooglesearch and I’m a board certified psychologist, with a Ph. D and IRD (Internet Research Degree) in psychobabble, I’ve worked as a resident of the Loony Bin for 20 years, and I have a private practice of one patient – your dear Ms. Alexis Alexandra, she’s quite the handful indeed.   I have access to all the worlds’ information at my fingertips and I’m certain that all of my diagnoses for Ms. Alexis are quite accurate and verifiable by the leading authorities in bullshitting.

Ms. Aleixs has asked me to tell you a few things about her current psychiatric situation.  I’m afraid she is just too weak from the electro shock therapy to do much of anything.   As you must already know, dear Ms. Alexis is a deeply troubled girl.  She suffers from many ailments of the mental sort, which I will try to explain in an understandable way.

First, let’s talk about her new diagnosis.  You all know that she suffers from delusions of feminity, so that’s old news, I’d rather discuss the new fun disorders that we have found along our path to enlightenment.

So, Ms. Alexis says some of you may have figured this out from knowing her, but she is very good at keeping secrets, so she doesn’t think anyone “actually” knew, but she has an eating disorder.  She has often detailed this on her blog, not the eating disorder directly, because she didn’t yet know, but her struggles with her weight.

I performed an extensive analysis of her eating habits over the last 25 years which has revealed that Ms. Alexis suffers from an eating disorder called Binge Eating Disorder or BED.  This disorder has caused her to gain and lose weight at rapid rates over many years of her life.  She might gain 40 pounds at a time, sending her into a depressive state and then suddenly decide to lose 50 pounds by starving herself to overcompensate, only to gain 60 pounds immediately after and again going into a depressive state.  This amongst other factors caused Ms. Alexis to retreat from the world.

Here’s the clinical definition of BED:

Binge eating disorder (BED) is an eating disorder characterized by recurrent episodes of eating large quantities of food (often very quickly and to the point of discomfort); a feeling of a loss of control during the binge; experiencing shame, distress or guilt afterwards; and not regularly using unhealthy compensatory measures (e.g., purging) to counter the binge eating. Binge eating disorder is a severe, life-threatening and treatable eating disorder. Common aspects of BED include functional impairment, suicide risk and a high frequency of co-occurring psychiatric disorders.

Binge eating disorder is the most common eating disorder in the United States, affecting 3.5% of women, 2% of men,1 and up to 1.6% of adolescents.

Hopefully, that explains a little about dear little Alexis’s eating problem.  This clearly isn’t all of her problems, and I actually believe that BED is just a symptom of a larger problem, so let’s talk about that.

I believe that, like some of you, Alexis suffers from gender dysphoria.  She has dealt with this for most of her life and it has led to quite a bit of pain and confusion throughout her life.   Here’s the quick definition of gender dysphoria:

Gender dysphoria is a condition where a person experiences discomfort or distress because there is a mismatch between their biological sex and gender identity…This mismatch between sex and gender identity can lead to distressing and uncomfortable feelings that are called gender dysphoria. Gender dysphoria is a recognized medical condition, for which treatment is sometimes appropriate. It is not a mental illness.

I believe that gender dysphoria is the root of most of Ms. Alexis problems.  Her inability to make a connection between her mental gender and her physical appearance has caused much strife in her life which has led to loneliness, depression and split personalities.

At some point in Alexis’s early life, when she could not rationalize the connection between her mental state and physical state, a fissure was formed within her psyche to make logic of the situation.  From here the outward male physical world psyche was separated from the inward/secret female persona that forms the alternate reality you all know as Alexis.  To the outside world she appears to be a normal well-functioning male in society, but on the inside she is filled with female desires that are hidden and she feels a great deal of shame due to it.

After some examination of Alexis’s conditions, I developed a table to express how most of the problems Alexis has experienced in life stem from her gender dysphoria.  Please examine the table below:

Cause Effect Symptom
Gender Dysphoria Loneliness Inability to make meaningful relationships
Gender Dysphoria Depression Binge Eating Disorder
Gender Dysphoria Split personality Secrets and dual lives

Let’s examine the first item, Loneliness.  From a very early age, Alexis has never felt like she fit in with anyone.  She never felt that anyone related to how she felt inside and therefore never made a connection with anyone in the real world.  She tells me that until she met some of her transgender friends, she believes she never really had any friends in the world.  Before this, the thought of being alone consumed her, and while her male persona was able to function within the real world, she was hurting inside, which led to significant depression.

I believe this loneliness, which led to the depression, then led her to finding an alternative method of developing a meaningful relationship with something.  She needed something that would not judge her, would comfort her, and would never leave her no matter what she felt or looked like.  That something turned out to be food.

This relationship with food quickly became destructive as overindulging in food’s companionship led to weight gain.  Ms. Alexis male persona was able to overcompensate for the inevitable weight gain in her early years by intensive exercise to limit the damage to her physique.  This obviously drove a large rift between her male and female sides where they felt at odds with one another.

Both sides fought for control of the body.  This obviously was the genesis of her multiple personalities.  This was further reinforced when Ms. Alexis would have relationships with other women.  Her female side had to be hidden deep and far away to make any relationship with a woman successful.  Ms. Alexis craved this acceptance from another person, as she felt so alone in life and therefore this was a far better situation than just being alone by herself with her two personalities.  So a truce was struck between both sides of her personality.  While in a relationship, which likely wouldn’t last long, Ms. Alexis would wait on the sidelines.

And so Ms. Alexis waited, and waited, and waited…

Until she could wait no longer.  One intimate relationship that her male side had formed had gone on for years  and years and Ms. Alexis wanted her freedom.  The truce was broken.

The animosity between her male and female sides were at an all-time high.  Ms. Alexis broke off in secret and began forming her own life, a life of secrets and shadows.  But in these shadows, she met people and gained real friends that understood her and connected with her.  They were some of the most meaningful relationships she ever had.

And whilst Ms. Alexis blossomed into a beautiful portrait of happiness, her demons were never far behind.

Over the course of three years, she battled her male persona’s disgust with her.  She ate to compensate.  The shame of who she was and what she looked like would drive her to deprive herself of food.  The cycles of self-loathing and self-love as she gained and lost weight over the years were very stressful on her mental well-being.  Between binge eating, dieting, having a relationship, working, having friends for the first time, and fighting her dual personalities – something broke.  She broke and she fell.

The fall was long and hard.

One day she just quit on life and trying to make it work.

She withdrew from the only friends she had ever had.  She wanted them to hate her.  By leaving them, she felt she was helping them by not subjecting them to the sadness she was feeling.  She knew it was best for them.

And one day after eating her feelings for months, she woke up and she was heavier and larger than she had ever been in her life.  She knew she deserved this misery.  Finally, there was something that both her male and female sides could agree upon.  They were finally together, joined by misery.

So they made a plan.   They didn’t care what they ate anymore, they didn’t care about getting diabetes, the heart disease, whatever, it didn’t matter anymore.  It was time to fall for real, fall together and leave this world.

They made a beautiful plan to find a fitting place to fall and finally put an end to the incredible sadness they had felt their entire life.  Nobody would know the truth.  They were very good at covering their tracks at this point.  Nobody would be the wiser and nobody would care.  A perfect plan.

But things didn’t go so perfect for these star crossed personalities as you might expect.

…to be continued