My Return and First Time Out… again

I’ve been trying to collect my thoughts the last few days.  They have been a jumble of emotions, mostly good.  I haven’t felt this way in a long time and figuring out what I am feeling has almost been too difficult to process.  It’s been a bit like being in snowstorm without knowing which way I am going, but knowing I’m close to home, but can’t quite find my way there.

It’s been quite the homecoming for me the last week.  I decided to return to this world after a long hiatus down a dark path.  I had started feeling better about myself in the few weeks leading up to this and held off my return to see if the happiness would last.  A few weeks down the road and I was still feeling good about myself and I guess it just felt like the right time.

My biggest fear once I had decided to come back was what kind of reception I would receive.  I felt very bad about the way I had left everyone hanging and wasn’t sure if there would be any resentment to my return.  Despite this trepidation, I decided I would give it a shot and figured, “What’s the worst that can happen?  They reject me.”  LOL!  I’ve been dealing with rejection my entire life.  Plus, I’d be right back in the sinking ship that I started in, so no big deal.

And so I plotted my return…

I plot everything like a spy novel.  With beady eyes.  And I tap my fingertips together as I develop my highly intricate plans.  I guess it’s more like a cartoon than a spy novel, but you get the picture.

First step was posting my blog.

To my great surprise I received an out welling of support from my previous friends who read it.  This filled me with warmth and tears as I read their messages.

Next was responding to them.  It was so great to reconnect with everyone and it made me feel so loved that they accepted me back and wanted to reconnect with me.  Their heartfelt concerns about me being gone and the happiness that I had returned meant the world to me.  It half made me smile and cry at the same time.

And then we planned on finding time to get together.  It was coming together so well.  I couldn’t have asked for anything more.  The trans community is the greatest and most loving community on Earth, there are no better people around.

The first meeting would be Friday with Amy, her daughter, Brooke, and Melissa.  It would be the first time Alexis has gone out in almost two years.  I was nervous.  I wasn’t even sure I was going to go through with it.  I was scared.

Wait, wait, this is too stressful.  I need a dry run before I go out with them.

So I decided that I would take the day off and do a dry run by going shopping.  This is potentially the scariest scenario for me and if I could do this on my own, then I could go out with my friends no problem.

So I went shopping.  It was a warm southern California day and it was a perfect setting for my shopping experience.

As I got to the mall, all of the first time out emotions came back to me:

Fear… Just leave, nobody will know

Scared… What if people laugh at me

Shame… People are going to stare

Nervous… I can’t do this

But despite this wild cocktail of negative emotions, there was one thing that pushed me to getting out of that car and going shopping.

Love… I love myself and there is nothing wrong with what I am doing

And so I went and had fun shopping.  I still worried about what people were thinking, but I tried to act and feel confident in what I was doing and nothing negative happened the entire time.  All the sales people were extremely nice and I managed to buy some jeans and skirt.  It felt great and AMAZING.

I got home from my shopping trip and collapsed on the couch from sheer exhaustion.  I hadn’t walked far, but the stress from the emotional rollercoaster I had been on for the last few hours shopping had taken a toll on me.

I took off my makeup and took a little nap before I had to start getting ready to meet the girls later that night.